#20- Forgiveness

As much as I believe this blog should be #1 it cannot be the last one to write, but the first because, without this I would not be who I am now.

I for many years was very angry with my father and I harbored bitterness in my heart toward him. He didnt love me the way I wanted to be loved. He hurt me with his words and sometimes said things that pierced my heart....
When I was a teenager I became a Christian...I wasnt perfect by any means, but I knew that I loved Jesus. When I became mature in my faith I really believed I forgave my father and I believed that everything was going to be wonderful. Until...I went to college and was being pursued by a young man (who just happens to now be my husband) who wanted to marry me. I knew I loved this young man but I just could not come to terms with the M Word -Marriage. I couldnt understand why. I didnt want to be with anyone else...I wanted to be with him since I was 16 and here he is talking about being my husband I was thinking "YO! Pump the brakes!" It wasnt until I was challenged in a class to tap into the discipline of prayer.
As I prayed about my situation about the M word I found my thoughts going to my father. I pushed them away because I was "fine" with my dad. But as days went on I began to think more about my relationship with my father and I knew that it had to be addressed. So I did it! I began praying about my father and you know, something happend that I didnt expect...Tears. Lots of tears. Years worth of tears. I realized that for so long I convinced my self that "I forgave him its over," when really it wasn't. I just supressed feelings and emotions to a place so deep that even I fooled myself. So as I sat there in my tears I asked God to forgive me for the years of anger and resentment I had against my father. I asked God for two things that have caused such a different frame of mind and heart for me...I prayed "Jesus, help me to forgive my Father and help me to see Him as you do." Throughout the next season of my life it was as if God took the broken pieces of my heart and put them back together. Little by little things started to change and the change didnt come the way I would have pictured it... My father asking me for forgiveness and right there we hold hands as we walk through a lily field. I knew in my heart that God was requiring something of me. Me! Not my father! So about a month later I went home for a weekend and I asked my father to forgive me. I asked him to forgive me for the disrespect I showed him for so many years of my life and I thanked him for always providing for me with a roof over my head. My father accepted my apology and right then and there I smiled not because I did what was right but because I sensed a freedom I hadnt known. A freedom that can only come from an awesome Heavenly Father.
The months following that moment all happend so fast. The Lord truly did what I asked. He helped me forgive my father and he helped me to see my father the way He see's my father. God has allowed me to see that throughout all these years of my father "not loving me like I wanted to be loved" my father was loving me the only way he could love me. You see my dad was raised in very HORRIBLE conditions! No one should have to endure the childhood my father endured. Because he was raised in such a senseless enviornment he wasnt taught what real love was. He didnt know what a life of a young child should be like. So when he became a father he made sure his three children always had a place to live and food to eat. In his mind that is what "love" is. He never hit us, he made sure we were protected and he showed our mother affection everyday. My father truly has done his best in loving us. The way he shows his love isnt what I wanted but it is all he can give. I have been so blessed to see him as of late. I know it has a lot to do with my maturing and being married and out of the house but there is just something about him saying "Hi Bebe" (It should be Baby but his accent doesn't allow for it). It makes me happy. I believe the Lord has allowed my to love my father in a new way.

Please, I encourage who ever is reading this, if there is someone you have to forgive please ask God to help you. I know the toll unforgiveness can have in someones life and I personally can also say I know the role freedom plays in someones life. HIS freedom has healed me as a daughter, it has provided me sanity as a wife and love as a child of God. I am ever so grateful for the gift of forgiveness. I praise Jesus for all HE is and all he has restored...

Psalm 119:45I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.